Thursday, June 18, 2009
Friends...
This is really quite an embarrassing post. Even as I'm writing it I am considering keeping it unposted. For some reason I have a really hard time making friends. I can't really figure it out aside from the fact that maybe I don't really ever put myself out there as far as initiating friendships with people. I know a lot of people now that we have lived here for three years and I do say "hi how are you" etc with the people I know and have no problem making small talk but for some reason I really really really have a hard time saying "Hi so and so, would you like to blank sometime?" Even with the few good friends that I have, I usually hope they call or text me to hang out rather than initiating it myself (thanks Aimee for always texting me to hang out! You're the best!). This problem has been exasperated this summer as a few of my friends moved away (I miss you Heather & Aja!). I keep thinking, ok, I really need to get out there and make some more friends but then I feel so pathetic & desperate scoping for "new" friends. How does this whole making friends thing really work anyways?! When I worked full time, I had plenty of opportunity to make friends and it really came pretty easy. We'd go to lunch together and since we saw each other all the time it was easy to transition from co-workers to friends. But now, I don't have that built in friend system. Now it seems like it takes a lot more effort and RISK to make a friend. I'm sure this comes easy to a lot of you out there (Emily, Brittany, Char, Kat, Aimee, Heather, to name a few) so I need your help. How do you go about making new friends?? Maybe I could get a shirt that says "Hi my name is Mary, would you like to be my friend?" What do you think??
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I can TOTALLY relate - I hate to be the one to say "oh hi be my friend will ya?" I am even a terrible neighbor hardly saying anything on some days. I think we will just have to make a goal to "put ourselves out there" I don't have a lot of girlfriends either and this might be why.
i agree with you. making friends as a stay at home mom can be hard. you know i'm pretty good at talking to anybody but i'm not good at the invites and going beyond the small talk. i'm on the look out for more friends recently too (which is why i'm getting more active in moms club). what i've tried doing is saying to someone i've recently met, "you know we should meet up at the water fountians sometime." this way i can kind of hint at getting together to see what their reaction is w/out having to say, "do you want to come over friday" and have them turn me down making me feel like a big loser. does that make sense? if they respond to my 1st question with, "oh definitely" then i know i'm good to proceed. if their reply is, "oh you know we are so busy these days" then I just say, "oh yeah, i know what you mean." and i don't go any further. :) this probably doesn't help much but something i've been doing more with nice people I meet at the park, or in the library, jump zone, etc. Just remember that you are a GREAT friend and have a lot to offer. anyone would be lucky to be your friend!
Church has always been a great place for me to "find friends." Baz tends not to like the "extra" church activities, but that's where you'll see people in normal clothes, be more casual, etc. You do kinda have to put yourself out there - initiate the small talk (which you totally do well), ask personal questions (not too personal right off the bat, but I think that's what endears people to you, or at least makes them probably want to get to know more about you (and vice versa). Talking to the moms of the kids that are in Kellin and Ethan's classes (Primary or other) is good too, b/c then it's like you're getting friends for your kids, but at the same time, friends for you, you know? There's a quote that works well for LOTS of situations - "fake it till you make it." Sometimes you just have to "act" like you're the comfortable one (with approaching or whatever) and then the other person feels comfortable and before you know it - wallah! you've got a new friend! :) Seriously, I think doing the extra church activities (ward campouts, neighborhood BBQs, etc.) is a great place to get to know lots of people. I also watch others who I think are just so natural at making others feel comfortable or inviting new people to things, etc. and try to incorporate some of their tactics or characteristics. I think the thing to remember is really, I bet everyone (even those who seem to have an easy time at this) feels the same way you do.
I love having you as my friend and wish we lived closer again so we could hang out more often! People wouldn't guess that you struggle to make friends - you've got the "fake it till you make it" thing going on, I guess! :)
I totally know what you mean! It's hard because it takes time to become good friends with someone. Hanging out once of twice doesn't really do it. I guess you just have to get out of your comfort zone and take the initiative. Good luck. A few of the friends I made were through Carsons preschool friends and swimming lesson friends. I am in the same boat trying to make new friends being here in a new place. We miss you. Hope we can get up there soon or you guys should come down here even though you were just down this way:)
Mary, this comes as such a shock to me. You were always such a friendly fun person that it was way easy to become your friend, but on the other hand, I can relate. I too don't initiate times to be together with my current friends. I wait for the invitation to come from them. I have always thought about being better, but then it is so easy to just go about my routine. I don't have any suggestions, but I LOVE your idea about the T-Shirt. Very funny.
Hey Mary! Do you want to meet at the splashpad in Washington this week with the kids? I usually wait for the invitation, too, but what the heck. And if you need help with the birthday party on Saturday, let me know. Eph's family just left town and this week is wwwaaayyyyyy open... We need to do more together.
I can't believe that you have such a difficult time! You were so friendly when we meet when we were 14! I LOVE the shirt idea! Seriously...go for it! having moved a lot here is my advice...just go for it. Don't worry what people will say...the truth is...most people are as nervous and scared as you...but just think about all the great friends you have because of the moments you DID take a chance. I have faith in you Mary. I KNOW you'll make some wonderful friends this summer!
oh and PS...Do you want to go to the Snow Patrol/Plain White T's concert in October? It's in Ogden...but that is a perfect example of how easy it is to ask people to be social!
Thank you guys! I love you all so much! I am so motivated to try this now - I'll post more later about how it goes!
Listen -- They don't call me "Billy no mates" for nothing. I know what it likes to not have any real friends. That's why I have imaginary friends. Take Bob for instance. He's brilliant. He's always there for me, he cuddles me when I'm lonely and he even lets me where his underwear when I've run out. If you want, I'll ask Bob to be your friend too.
Imaginary friends never let you down.
Love you Mare.
Baz
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