As many of you know I come from a very dsyfunctional biological family. My biological dad has been an alcoholic, drug abusing, child abusing, wife abusing person my whole life. When I was ten years old police officers and a social worker showed up at my elementary school and took me and my brothers to a children's home. Since that day I have had contact with my biological parents maybe a handful of times. I have had a few visits with them, received a very occasional birthday card and maybe one or two phone calls from them over the past 20 years. I have basically closed the door on that relationship and given up any hope that either of them would ever be able to be anything more that the egg & sperm that combined to give me life. I know this may sound harsh. But for many years I made excuses for my mom, felt sorry for her for being abused by my dad and justified her not leaving him because she had no where to go and no one to turn to. I did this for many years, up until the day I gave birth to my first son. Once I held my child in my arms I felt a rush of anger towards my biological mom. I realized in that moment that I would do anything, anything within my power (and possibly beyond my power) to protect my child. I felt angry because I suddenly realized that she did not. She did not protect us, she allowed my dad to abuse us for years and then, as all of us were being taken away from her, she stayed with him and abandoned us, all thirteen of us, one by one. It was also on that day that I shut the door to that relationship, and haven't had contact with either of them since. Until last night.
Two days ago I received a series of text messages from my older sister letting me know that my dad was in the emergency room with several serious health issues. He is seventy five years old and has spent his life drinking, smoking and doing drugs. His body is giving out, and some believe that he has a death wish. He was severly dehydrated, so much so that the skin on his extremeties is scabbing and falling off. He has stomach ulcers, liver & kidney problems, low white blood cell count, and an aneurysm. And he is refusing medical care. He is hostile and beligerant to the doctors and nurses and has tried several times to leave the hospital (to get a fix, no doubt). They finally had to drug him and put him under a security hold and are now keeping him in a secured, guarded room with nothing but a bed. He is at death's door, and my family wants to fight to keep that door shut. But I'm not so sure I do. Throughout all of this, the thought keeps coming to my mind: just let him die.
About a month ago my dad and mom had a huge fight and my dad told my mom to leave. Not the first time, but possibly the last time this will happen. She moved out and is now living with my brother. In talking to my sister I have learned that she is trying to make amends with her kids and is going to church and several classes each week to help her with her co-dependence issues and other emotional trauma that a lifetime being married to my dad has caused. My sister said that she seems to be serious this time, that she says she will not go back to him and that she is really trying to make things right. My sister also told her that she has a lot of work to do, especially with me, if she wants forgiveness and some kind of relationship. The problem is, I'm just not sure I want, can, should open that door. It has been shut tight for five years, what's the point in moving backwards? Or would it be moving forwards? In talking with Kade, he thinks that I have a lot of anger and resentment that needs to be worked out. He thinks it would be good for me to talk with her and tell her how I feel. And we are taught that forgiveness is so important, that letting go of anger and resentment will help us find greater happiness and peace. But what can I really expect from this person? Should I allow myself to hope for a relationship with a mother that abandoned me twenty years ago??
So last night the siblings did a family conference call to discuss the options with regards to our dad. Basically, he is being held under a psychiatric hold and over the next three days they will be treating his physical condition as well as performing a psychiatric assessment to determine whether or not he is mentally capable of making decisions with regards to his financial, medical and mental well being. The attending psychiatrist recommended that the siblings seek a temporary legal guardianship over him in which one sibling would be appointed full legal responsibility over his financial & medical decisions. When asked who this person should be, the psychiatrist said it should be someone who is the least emotionally connected to the situation and who possibly lives a considerable distance away. He explained that it needs to be someone that would not be susceptable to his emotional manipulation and someone who can make decisions in his best interest from a medical perspective. My heart started pounding as I mentally pleaded, please, don't ask me to do it. Yes, I live the furthest away and yes, I am the least emotionally connected to him of any of the siblings, but I also kept having the thought: just let him die. I stayed silent on the phone, but inside I was having an argument with myself, should I do this? Should I take on this responsibility and try to forgive him in the process? Or should I just tell them all that I really don't care if he lives or dies. Should I care, should I try to forgive this man that has destroyed our family, that has been so incredibly selfish and has never shown a morsel of remorse for all the damage he has done? Again the thought: just let him die. Amidst my my inner argument, I heard one sister say that "right now dad isn't dad. Our dad is in there somewhere but this angry, irrational, hateful person isn't him". Really? I thought. Because as far as any memory of him goes, this is exactly who he is. Angry, hateful, mean, selfish and completely incapable of love or remorse. I wondered how they knew him, who is that other person they are referring to? Is there really another side to my dad that I don't know. Possibly a side that might actually be capable of remorse and deserving of forgiveness. All I know is that I've never met him. I don't know if my silence gave me away, as luckily another sibling said she would be willing to do it. I mentally breathed a sigh of relief at the same I brushed away a sharp pang of guilt.
After all was decided, the siblings had our mom get on the conference call to let her know what the decision was and to see if she agreed with the decision. When she came on the call I hoped no one would list off all who were present, but my sister proceeded to announce everyone. I wondered how my mom felt knowing I was on the call although she didn't say anything to me specifically. After my sister told her everything she did agree with the family decision and basically said she didn't care if they stuck my dad in a mental instution and left him there. Interesting, I thought. She also apologized for "failing all of us" and as she started to cry all the siblings jumped in and said things like, "you didn't fail us" and "no one feels that way" and "we all love you". Speak for yourself I thought. You failed me, you abandoned me and I'm not sure I love you or if I can forgive you. I'm just not sure I can open that door.
So that's where I am at right now. I don't know what to feel and I keep going back and forth between wanting to forgive and let go and wanting to just keep that door closed tight.
